The theme this month is vulnerability, which is ironic because it is something I struggle with a lot, especially this past month. Being vulnerable is not an easy thing. You don’t want other people to see that side of you. It is scary but I believe that being vulnerable helps us connect more with God and with the people around us.
In the spirit of vulnerability, I am going to share what happened to me this month with all of you reading this. I used to have very intense and frequent anxiety but for the last year I have handed everything over to God, trusting Him, and my anxiety attacks have basically disappeared. This month, however, has turned out to be a difficult one for me.
It started with work. Everything was being thrown at me at once. I was training three people on top of my other daily tasks. I felt like I was being rushed everywhere I went and I didn’t have time to just take a moment and breathe. Work kept scheduling me on Sundays so I was missing church on top of that and my time alone with God kept slipping. I was feeling completely drained.
Then one day at work I had to appear in court, which is not a new thing for me because part of my job involves going to court to testify against people. This time court was different and much more serious. It was Circuit Court, which is a lot like how movies portray it. Witnesses have to sit in a chair next to the judge, face the audience and get questioned by the attorneys. If you know me at all then you know I was freaking out about being in front of people like that.
I started to doubt and feel vulnerable. I let the defense attorney who questioned me get inside my head and I was filled with horrible thoughts that continued into the next day. When I got to work the next day I went into an anxiety attack right in front of my coworkers. I have always kept them a private thing, so I felt embarrassed and vulnerable again in a different way. I even tried to deny the fact that it was an anxiety attack to my coworkers out of fear that they would see me in a vulnerable place.
I learned two things from this: firstly, it is okay to be vulnerable and most importantly, keep God first no matter what. I kept pushing God to the side instead of handing over everything I was feeling and going through to Him.
A few days after this happened I opened up to my mom about it and what I was feeling. She sent me a verse that’s a great reminder when it comes to vulnerability. 2 Corinthians 4:7 states, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.”
This is a great metaphor that can portray us when we feel vulnerable or broken. If a jar of clay gets cracks in it, it becomes more fragile. Thankfully, as believers, what is inside is eternal. Even if the jar were to be dropped and shattered, the treasure inside it cannot be broken. Broken, frail, feeble jars of clay allow God to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
God will take care of us and mold us into what He wants us to be. No matter how vulnerable or broken we feel we just need to remember who our God is and trust Him. God also sends us people on this earth that will love us and care for us. People we can be vulnerable with that will not judge us but be a support and pray with us, reminding us that God is all-powerful, all-knowing and our Comforter.
One of my favorite passages in scripture is 2 Corinthians 12:9 -10 which states, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (NIV).
One last thing I am going to share with you is lyrics from one of my favorite songs titled Great Things by Elevation Worship. The lyrics ring true with this topic.
“Through the fire and the flood You have never let me go
And my soul will sing, You have done great things
I am weak, You are strong, You will always be my hope
And my soul will sing, You have done great things”.
If you are feeling broken physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually I encourage you to be vulnerable with the people around you who love you and in your prayers to God. God loves you. He will be there with you through anything and help you through it. Remember to keep Him first. As always, if you need someone to talk to or need prayer for something we are always here and would love to hear from you.