While He is able, He is not obligated: my story of freedom from sexual sin.
I tried to come up with some funny or clever way to lead into what I feel like the Lord is screaming at me to share, and well, I cannot come up with anything. There is no funny or clever way to be vulnerable. There is no way to make sharing your deepest secret with the internet funny. I have fought sharing this part of my life for a long time, and even now as I type this, I am begging God to not make me share.
I struggle with unwanted, homosexual desires.
This struggle makes you hate every fiber of your being and feel more alone than you thought possible. It makes you question the goodness of God. Heck, it makes you question the very existence of God. You do whatever you can to avoid it, but eventually it becomes so overwhelming that you actually start considering the possibility that you weren’t meant to avoid it but rather embrace it.
So, you do.
You give up.
You stop fighting.
What’s the point in fighting if nothing is gonna change anyway?
But then…there’s this other side—the side that knows the bible and what it says. The side that knows that God is good. The side that knows the love and forgiveness that is found in Christ. But still, there is no way a good Christian like me should be struggling, right? not with this anyway.
So, you read more.
You participate more.
You do more, all with the hope that you will get too busy and so distracted that you just forget it’s a part of you. And then for a while you actually do.
It feels as if the church is all about love and broken chains, except when it comes to this. It feels like there is no where and no one to turn to. It feels like this is just simply something that should be kept secret at all costs, BUT that is a lie. Feelings don’t dictate truth as much as they seem to.
You see, I just finished a book that sort of messed me up. It messed me up because I realized that I do not have a right or a reason to hide.
No matter how uncomfortable it may be.
No matter how awkward things may get.
God does not call those who claim to follow Him to conceal anything because it robs Christ of the glory that comes in faithful obedience to confess.
Trust me, I wish more than anything that this one struggle was something that the Lord would allow me to hide. I have so many other struggles I could share about, so I can just keep this one hidden, right?
Now you may be wondering what the point of this sudden confession is.
Well, I don’t really know. What I do know is that this is not a struggle that the church has made easy for me or those also fighting to come clean about, and this is not me hating on the church, just making a statement. I am tired. Tired of feeling ashamed for a feeling I don’t really want to feel. But, I also know that am not alone in this. I know that the Lord wants to use me to tell someone else silently struggling to keep going. Keep fighting. I know it’s hard and I know it feels pointless, but following the Lord and the plans He has for you is anything but pointless.
I often wonder why God chose this to be one of the crosses that I have to daily bear. I have had to come to peace with the fact that I may never get an answer to the “why me?” question I ask God daily. Yes, this may be a struggle I carry around the rest of my life (that’s honestly terrifying), but if I am going to carry this around, I would much rather see God use it for the furthering of His kingdom rather than continuing to allow Satan to have a field day in my mind.
So, what does this mean?
This means that I rest on the truth that Paul writes in 2 Corinthians that says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” I have begged God to take this from me, and what I have realized is that while he is able, he is not obligated. This is one way the Lord is choosing to make his power known through me. God wastes nothing in our lives. We only have to be willing to lay it at the cross and surrender it.
This means I have had to learn to place boundaries in my life that may seem extreme to others.
This means I have had to learn how to not conform to this culture’s pattern of thinking, but allow my mind to be transformed by the Word of God.
This means that I am learning to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.
This means I am daily scared that this struggle means I will never have the blessing of a biblical, God honoring marriage, or that when some people read this they will view or treat me differently. That’s okay. I have learned the hard way that my identity is in Lord. It cannot be found in man.
This means I am scared. This means the enemy is relentlessly pointing out every reason why I should be scared to share this.
This means I have come to realize that in order to be used fully by God, we have to be willing to be fully open and fully vulnerable before others. After all, our savior was more vulnerable and uncomfortable than any post could ever make me.
This means that the Lord is still teaching me and molding me.
Okay, I know those of you who have actually read this far in the post may still have a few questions.
No, I do not consider myself gay. Yes, I am very much attracted to boys. No, I have never acted upon these desires. Yes, I think homosexuality is a sin. No, I do not hate gays or seek to turn every gay person straight. No, I do not think of those in the LGBT community as lesser or committing a “worse sin”.
I am fully aware that every person’s story and struggle is different.
My prayer and desire is that people would experience the freedom that is found in Christ. My prayer is that people would just talk to someone. My prayer is that those struggling would know that they are not alone.
My deepest plea is that people would come to know Christ as savior through this confession and that the Lord would reveal himself to every person who reads this.
I wish that writing all this out and sharing this part of me meant that the Lord would take this temptation away from me. Sadly, that is not the case. I still struggle, and if I am being honest, writing this has just forced me to be hyper aware of everything. I don’t have a “quick fix”. I could never write any combination of words that would make people who are struggling suddenly stop. This post isn’t meant to “cure” you but to encourage you. My hope is that we would stop being so scared to be honest with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. There is freedom in confession and speaking truth over your weaknesses.
If you are reading this and feel alone, talk to someone. No matter how scary. No matter how “dirty” you think you are.
If you need to, you can talk to me. Trust me, I get it.
***The Book I read is called Openness Unhindered by Rosaria Butterfield***
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